As if running 80 miles in 18 hours around Boulder Reservoir in a garbage bag by the light of a headlamp in soaking wet clothes in a driving blowing rain turning to sleetstorm wasn’t enough last weekend...
I was sitting with the CNS in the cafeteria today at the end of my shift. I had transferred out my two DKAers and I was patient-less until 3 pm when I got to go home. I had an 8 hour shift because I have this computer class tomorrow for 4 hours. Ugh. She had an advanced practice nursing student with her and we were sitting there, the three of us. I told the CNS earlier in the day I wanted to bend her ear. I told her I felt like I wanted to get going on the mentoring program she proposed earlier. I feel like I’m stuck and not going anywhere. I feel like I need help. She told me who was getting it started and encouraged me to get on board with getting them started on developing the program.
The CNS explained to her student that I was a new grad in ICU and that the other nurses had beaten me to a pulp and that she’d seen it herself. I never thought of it like that but that’s how she described it.
Which reminded me of when I was sitting on the stairs in the house this weekend, which is where I do all my thinking, and I was reflecting on how I felt about work. I did feel beat up. I made the decision to seek out a mentor because I am sick and tired of feeling alone, floating around, unanchored, directionless. I decided I would talk to the CNS about it.
Plus last week sucked. I took PALS and failed the megacode testing portion. TWICE!
I hate testing like that. You have to perform in front of the other students too which is nerve-wracking. It’s a simulated situation and they tell you what’s going on with the “patient”- a mannequin. They give you a scenario and you have to tell them what you would do. I went through the whole situation with the critical thinking about the respiratory distress, the shock, and then the cardiac portion. I did fine until we got to the cardiac part. The patient suddenly goes into a lethal rhythm and you have to tell them what to do. My patient was in V Fib which means you do CPR and you defibrillate them (or “shock” them). I said to do CPR and didn’t say shock. Then the teacher abruptly changed the rhythm to PEA, which is pulseless electrical activity. And for that you don’t shock. You just do CPR and meds.
Well I never said defib because in PEA you don’t defib. So I think I got screwed because she moved out of V Fib so fast I didn’t have a chance to think and correct myself. So I tried to re-test that afternoon and I got another teacher- the ED educator from hell. I do not like her. I still think she holds a grudge against me from Megacode class when the other students complained about her and she probably thought it was me. Actually I think she doesn’t like us in ICU all that well either.
Anyway the second time I was even more nervous and I totally bombed it. She gave me a chance to retest this week which I am dreading. I think she is going to make it really hard. I have a feeling I will end up retaking the whole PALS class even though I know all the algorithms. That would suck. But I’ll see what happens when I retest Friday.
So what happened after class last Thursday? Flunking out of pediatric advanced life support, plus the ego insult of having several of my coworkers know that I had to retest, then I went home and told my significant other, my source of moral support. What did he say?
“What?! Miss Straight A failed something? That makes me feel so much better!”
At least I was able to help someone.
I am feeling overwhelmed in a way. It’s not that any of this is so hard, but right now I feel like I am on overload. All of it together is making me crazy. My one year review is coming up next week, I had to fill out all that paperwork which was really depressing as it made me relive the past year.
Then I had to take PALS, and probably will again! And I have tons of homework for my upcoming EKG class, which I am looking forward to but it is a lot of work. And then I have reading to prepare for TNCC class which is in early November. Plus this computer class tomorrow. Plus committee work. It all feels like it’s piling up at once.
And then I still feel like I am not getting a lot of challenging patients at work. And everyone seems so grumpy! Today the unit assistants (our aides) were surly as hell. I hate it when I ask a question and they give you attitude along with your answer.
And then tomorrow we have comps, which is our yearly unit skills testing for all the RNs. This is my first time through it. I didn’t study at all. I am hoping I can make it through most of the stuff even though I have little experience. I heard it will be more educational than anything since we have so many new people.
And then to top it off we were supposed to have a staff meeting today, which fortunately got cancelled because the hospital is going for some big national award and the judges for that award are visiting this week and all the administrators have their shorts in a knot and everything has to be perfect. And there’s this big display “the quality festival” and you can bet they have it timed just right for the award people to visit. And I was marginally involved with the committee that won first prize. So there are a million self-congratulatory emails being passed around by the people on the committee. As if I need more e-mail at work.
So many freaking expectations.
After all this I feel needy, and that’s what I hear at home. “You’re so needy, what’s wrong with you?” I need something. I need an attitude adjustment, a break, a hug, something. I can’t get that at work so I try to get it at home but that doesn’t happen. All I hear is how good I made him feel because I failed something.
WAAAAAAH!
I want to curl up in a ball and use half a box of Kleenex and cry until I’m in respiratory distress.
Speaking of respiratory distress, going back to where I started, I am quite sure I was having a spiritual experience at the Boulder Reservoir Saturday. For the first time in weeks I didn’t feel sad or needy. I felt hugged. I felt at peace with everything. I just went forward, breathing in and out while the sky was still light and I could see the fallen leaves and the trees with their colors drowning in the intensifying rain, running with passionate intention, whatever expression it was that came to me at that moment, some ultrarunner-like sentiment, until I was too tired and cold to push myself anymore. Maybe it was a higher power. Maybe Sri Chinmoy was already talking to me from the other side. Or maybe I was just hallucinating.
Peace, love, and passionate intention in a garbage bag,
Towanda, ICU RN
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